In fact, it literally doesn’t have a ring at all. Or a bracelet. Nope, not even diamond-studded earrings. Mutual like only verifies that you’re not completely socially inept.
Zing. (I’m sorry)
Ok, so you know that one Kay Jewelers commercial where you see it and want to die? Like, pronto?
Trick question. It’s all of them. Unfortunately, there isn’t a way to miraculously know when these commercials are about to air so you can dive for the channel changer and save yourself from the inhumanity. Funny – in the spirit of Christmas, we were able to foresee the coming of Christ to save us from our sins, but we’re still incapable of telling which block of television will air that bit of evil.
(All of ‘em)
The commercials are the equivalent to a Danielle Steel novel, only with way more cardigans and way less steamy haystack scenes, and let’s get real – no one likes a PG-rated Danielle Steel. No one. What’s the point?
Perhaps it is a test. If we successfully watch the commercial in its entirety and HAVEN’T set our residence on fire (Automatically, the TV’s gotta go because it’s the vehicle spewing that malicious content over all your personal belongings, and so now THOSE are contaminated and in need of destroying, etc., etc.), eternal salvation will be ours.
The big guy’s probably up there thinking, Merry Christmas, humans. My gift to you – that of tolerance. It’s more likely that he’s up there chuckling, stroking his beard amusedly, thinking Ha! Peons…now where did I put that popcorn?
Original sin should have been reserved for the conception of all Kay commercials. I don’t think God was even prepared for what atrocities mankind was capable of creating. Unadulterated evil in the form of commercials selling steadfast love and devotion for hundreds of dollars? Check!
I haven’t even gotten to the engagement ring commercials yet.
Regardless, tis the season, but the incessant sighing and eye rolling is wearing me thin. Come on, women – based on this new McDonald’s commercial, do we really think our significant others are capable of eternal commitment, much less buying our Christmas present more than a few days before the 25th? Ronald – and society – says no!
So, for another month and a half, we are tasked with the chore of grinning and bearing these awful commercials, all the while violently hoping that when New Years is said and done, we will still have roofs over our heads. Good luck to you all.
Those with ambition and a passionate desire to prevail might consider turning the commercial into a drinking game. If you’re worried about being caught up in technicalities – not to fear. This game can be played by those ages 21 and up. Heck, I have no doubt that even your kids will want to join in after seeing this commercial.
*Shudder* They grow up so fast, don’t they?
Every time a woman looks up at a man with ooey gooey adoration so sweet you wonder where the world is going to find more sugar because it was all used up in the commercial?
Every time there is a tender embrace followed by a man and woman flawlessly hitting their mark by looking directly into the camera with warm smiles of wholehearted content and love?
Every time you lose your lunch/dinner/breakfast/mind?
Every kiss begins with Kay?! Hell. Every kegger begins with Kay.
A woman’s interpretation of the jingle is no doubt something to this effect: Me and THIS guy sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love! Then comes marriage! Then comes a baby in a baby carriage!
Which, ironically, isn’t so similar to a man’s: Buy our jewelry! With the power of your hard-earned cash, you’ll earn yourself smooches and maybe more if she’s not tired and doesn’t have a headache and the kids are in bed and it’s* big enough!
The ingenuity of the commercials, you see, is in both parties seemingly getting what they desire. Also, who can resist that tagline? “Every kiss begins with Kay?!” Kay Jewelers doesn’t have to search for fine metals and stones to make their jewelry cuz that’s a gold mine right there.
I wish that just ONE commercial could be slightly altered for a pleasant change from the idealistic fantasy of marriage proposals, perfect children and owning jewelry you clearly can’t afford.
Booming announcer’s voice (raspy): “This holiday season, do you know where your lover is?”
Footage cuts to man tied up to chair in basement. His apparent kidnapper hands him the phone, on which his lover is on the line.
Kidnapped man (panicked): “Honey, just do as he says!”
Lover: “He wants the jewelry, Derek! Doesn’t he know chocolate is a girl’s best friend? Or is it diamonds? Flips hair dramatically with a flick of a hand, showing off new bling. Now I don’t have to choose because I have them both in this gorgeous, 14K, ¾ carot, gold-encrusted ring you bought me from Kay Jewelry. Anyway, it’s not right, Derek, and I won’t stand for it! By the way, did you happen to pick up the milk on your way home?”
Derek (sighing deeply): “No, they didn’t have one percent and I refuse to drink that skim crap. And you know that 2 percent goes straight to my hips. Besides, I didn’t like the selection of dairy products the gas station had, and Hy-Vee was HALF AN HOUR AWA…”
Nudged by his kidnapper, Derek returns to the real issue at hand.
Derek (clearing throat): What I was saying was that with Kay’s reasonable prices for remarkable, brilliantly cut diamonds full of clarity, I’ll buy you more! Just give him what he wants and he’ll let me go!”
Lover (tapping foot, frustrated): “How am I supposed to make your favorite mashed potatoes without milk, Derek? Answer me that! I swear, you are so irresponsible sometimes…How did you even afford this fine, hand-crafted 14K white gold Journey necklace that you gave me for our anniversary?
Derek: “Honey, I beg of you, just give the man the jewelry and I’ll be home soon to explain everything.”
Lover: “No, you know what, Derek? You sit in that basement and think about what you did. Maybe the kidnapper and I can work out some sort of payment plan and a plan for your safe return after pick up the DAMN MILK!” Hangs up phone angrily.
Scene fades as Jane Seymour’s knowledgeable voice is overlaid into a scene showing Kay’s logo and new jingle: “Every kidnapping begins with Kay.”